Stop ‘Shoulding’ Yourself
A sure shot way to stifle your dreams
When I was a little girl I was frequently told how I should behave, how I should talk and how I should live my life.
While it came from well-meaning parents and teachers, as I grew up, these ‘shoulds’ got naturally interwoven into the fabric of our lives, like as if they belonged. It thwarted the possibility of options and automatically led one down a conveyor belt of milestones that needed to be checked off, whether we were invested into the construct of it or not. If you are nodding as you read this you have also had someone ‘should’ you.
On the other hand, a ‘could’, the casual fun loving cousin of a ‘should’, is light and breezy giving you the gift of options but when you add a ‘should’ into the mix, possibilities get shrouded with a dark cloak of shame. Shame because of comparisons and a letting down of familial and societal expectations. You get in line to conform to the norms laid by……wait a minute…
Who came up with this laundry list of ‘shoulds’?
Who knows us better than ourselves?
Who are these people who know what course my life should take in order to have the best life ever?
Are you having the best life ever?
By the time I was thirty I had gone on to check off several ‘shoulds’ in my life
Post graduate degree — Check
Working at a great organization — Check
Married — Check
Pregnant by thirty — Check
How fulfilled was my life three decades in, with all the ‘shoulds’ I fulfilled, I sometimes wonder to myself.
But before you feel like I’m adorning the role of a victim…I’m guilty of it too. Taking on this laundry list of ‘shoulds’ unquestioningly, I play a part in a few ‘shoulds’ doled out to the people around me too.
Where does it stop though?
Why are you shoulding yourself?
Why are you shoulding others?
If you respect the opinion of several people in your life, whose ‘shoulds’ take precedence then?
Another decade older and looking back, there are a few ‘shoulds’ that worked out well in the end but there are several others, I know I shouldn’t have heeded to. The true essence of me, got lost somewhere in the melee. Like that key on a laptop, we unfortunately do not have the luxury of an ‘undo’ button in real life. Life is a one-way street but that’s a good thing if you choose to look at it that way.
You can make a decision TODAY to stop ‘shoulding’ yourself from here on out.
Let’s take away the power of these ‘shoulds’ once and for all. I’m sure you can think of several people in your life who didn’t care a damn and went onto create their own destiny. They are possibly single or divorced or are dog parents or have a fun brood of little kiddies running about or doing amazing things at work but only because they WANTED to do it not because they SHOULD have done it.
I like Stacey Hall’s method of finding our way out of shoulding yourself. It’s only fair to share it with you if you are with me thus far.
Close your eyes and think of a decision you have to make in your life right now. Don’t overthink it. The first one that comes to mind is the right one. Closing your eyes blocks, out any other sensory stimuli and let’s you hone into exactly what you want to know in the moment.
When you got it, open your eyes and ask yourself these four questions:
Coming out of FEAR why would you chose NOT TO DO IT?
Coming out of LOVE why would you chose NOT TO DO IT?
Coming out of FEAR why would you chose TO DO it?
Coming out of LOVE why would you chose TO DO it?
Listen to the responses of your wise subconscious mind.
Out of the four responses which one seems most true in your model of the world.?
Accept it without judgement and without the weight of a ‘should’ bearing down on it.
Remember that ‘shoulds’ stifle your dreams but the path of choice leads to the life you have wanted …for yourself….away from the expectations of others.
A few years down the line, as you look back, you’ll thank yourself that you gave YOU the gift of choice and stopped shoulding yourself forever.
