How to not let Narcissists into your life
Victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse……. It’s time to allow the lessons from your past relationships percolate into your future.
Never let another narcissist into your life ever again.
While you do not get to choose your parents or siblings (and have to figure out better ways to set boundaries, if they are narcissists), you definitely have the power to choose your friends, partners and even sometimes your co-workers. If you ever had a narcissist in your life at some point, the first thing you need to do is to treat yourself with compassion. Please be kind to yourself and do not beat yourself down. Use your experience to better define your boundaries for the wonderful future that awaits you.
Here are a few ways by which you can do that:
NO MORE SECOND CHANCES — By this I do not mean that you need to turn into an intolerant, unforgiving machine. I’m referring to that third or maybe the tenth or twentieth chance you give the person in the hope that they will change. Basic needs like respect, honesty and emotional security are not a tall ask, out of a relationship. Learn to figure a pattern and call it for what it is.
THEY DIDN’T MEAN IT — Do not defend or explain away toxic behaviour. It will not serve you in the long run. This will only enable them. Rationalising their behaviour, so it makes sense to you, is not a great way to cultivate good, healthy relationships. You will continue to attract more of these kind of people in your life.
DO THE EMOTIONAL WORK — Past incidents and people who were part of your lives inadvertently shape your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. All of us can benefit in some way, from seeing a therapist who can help us do a deep dive into our emotions and sort them out. Did we have narcissists in our past that have left open wounds deep within us, that leads us to then make the same mistake again? How do we get past them? Therapy is not a bad word. It is necessary to sort out your thoughts, feeling and emotions. There is nothing more empowering than the road to self-discovery. In finding yourself, you will be less tolerant of mediocrity in your future relationships.
TRUST YOUR GUT — If your body feels a bit off or the hair on the back of your neck stands on end when you interact with a new person, that’s your gut instinct warning you of impending danger. Your deep and wise intuitive sense already knows it before you become consciously aware of it. Trust these prompts and do something about it. These physiological prompts are primitive and therefore can be trusted completely. Run for the hills if that feels right or simply walk away.
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE — There is love and then there is abuse. This is where doing your own therapy work helps to see the clear difference between someone who loves you and someone who is in a toxic bond with you. They invalidate you and plant seeds of self-doubt. They make you live a small and insignificant life while they feed off your insecurities, that were ironically created by them. Overdoing anything is a red flag no matter how nice it feels. Too much texting, too many questions about your whereabouts and too many calls are all indicators of them being too controlling. Recognise it for what it is and do not pander to them. You then set an expectation that they will call you out on eventually, if not maintained.
STEP OUT OF THE FAIRYTALE — Don’t get enamoured by bright shiny objects and their grandiose behaviour right at the beginning of a relationship. Step out of it to look under the layers, to see if there are any real feelings and emotions outside of the distracting fluff.
WATCH THE PACE — If things are moving faster than you would like, then there’s something amiss. If you move in too fast or get engaged too soon or married too quickly. These life changing decisions need to be slow and gradual, as that is how relationships develop. This is not an all-encompassing rule as there have been people who have fallen in love instantly and probably gotten married instantly, going on to lead the most fulfilling lives. But statistics lean more heavily towards a majority of these ephemeral relationships not working. That’s when you then start rationalising and trying to make sense of the decision you just made and convince yourself to stay in a dead-end relationship. It’s best to call it out as early as you see it.
TURN DOWN THE GASLIGHT — If you start to see that they do not acknowledge your feelings or make any changes in their behaviour then it is time to take a step back. You need to hold onto your reality and not let it be diluted by their version of the story. The more you hang onto facts, the less they have control over you. If it persists, then that’s your cue to leave.
BE WARY OF THE FUTURE — When a narcissist makes non-committal promises of the future, look at the evidence you have in front of you. If their present life is falling apart and they fail to meet their everyday goals, then do not believe them. Do not get fooled by it all. See them for what they are. Their present life is a good indicator of how their future life will pan out.
AVOID LIFE CHANGING SACRIFICES — Do not get swept off your feet to a point where you are ready to drop everything for them. You move countries, give up your education, move away from family for them and before long you start living their life and not your own. You get in too deep and start to feel isolated. Do not be hasty in making big sacrifices at the get go. There is a place for making compromises and sacrifices and that will come in due time. Do not get swayed by their compliments and kind words.
With all of these ways to stay away from a narcissist, make sure that your decision is wholly your own.
Do not let the voice of other people make you want to stay and work it out.
Do not take the advice of people who don’t know what a gas lighter is. They may not understand the full import of what you are going through. This applies to romantic relationships as well as any other kind of narcissistic relationship. Take charge of your own life as no one can see it from your perspective.
