How to find out if they are the one
ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS
You meet someone on a dating app, or they were introduced to you through a common friend or it was just serendipity. At first you see past their flaws and find everything perfect about them. You want it to work. You want that person to be the right one. You want the rest of your life to start right now.
But once you choose this person to walk along life’s journey with you, you have to accept them as they are — the whole package. Their quirks, their mannerisms, their habits, their demeanour — everything. I wish there was a handbook that gave you all the answers so you know what you were getting into but sadly it hasn’t been invented yet.
If we knew all the answers, there wouldn’t be so many broken hearts all around the world. There wouldn’t be so many ‘I wish I knew’ and ‘How could I not have seen it’, sighs being heard from so many people who have experienced a break up. What can you do then to make the right decision?
The below list of questions may not be an exhaustive list of all the questions you possibly need to ask the one you love, but it’s a start and it covers the important ones. At least it will help you weed out the riff raff. It doesn’t tell you what to do but helps you decide what’s important to you.
What are your non-negotiables — Everyone has something that they will not tolerate or stand for. Find out what that is. It could be anything that can irritate them, make them angry or signify the end of the relationship for them. It could be things like having an affair, gambling, being lazy, not being goal oriented, making decisions that affect the both of you, single- handedly etc. You know what your non negotiables are, you need to know what theirs are too.
What is more important to them than you? This question might seem counter intuitive. But it’s good to know. It could be health, fitness, ambition or even a hobby. Maybe for them, they feel like they lose their identity without it. If that happens, they cannot show up in the relationship as their authentic self. If you know what that is since you have had an open communication about it, you will understand when they take time away from you and family commitments to participate in a marathon or opt to take a client call when you are at a dinner. If it gets in the way of your family life then there’s a problem but if it’s just something that they prioritize at certain times, then you can decide if that’s ok for you.
Does your partner have your back? This is not something you need to explicitly ask of them but something you need to notice and answer for yourself. When someone takes a dig at you or openly insults you, your family or your work do they stand up for you or defend you or do they look the other way? What would you prefer they do and what is important to you in this instance? Some people like to stand up for themselves and resent anyone else defending them but others like their partner to have their back and face critical people as a team.
Can you hold a conversation with them? Looks fade away over time. What’s left is their personality. Are they interesting enough to hold your attention. Do they fascinate you with their knowledge and opinions. Do you wait to hear them describe their day or tell you something about themselves? In the long run, it’s this aspect that will keep you connected at a deep level and is what sustains a relationship.
How do they react in negative situations? Have you seen how they react when things do not go their way? What about when you are ill? What about when you need help? Are they there to do the hard stuff? It’s easy to be there for someone rejoicing during the happy times but it’s the setbacks and how those are dealt with that matter in the long run.
Are you in love with the person or their potential? When you look at the one you love, do you say to yourself, ‘I love him but….’. How big of a ‘but’ is that? Do you hope they will become the person you can love eventually or do you love them in the here and now? If you feel that they need to build towards becoming what you want in your life partner, then is it worth it? How do you know that it will happen and what will you do if it doesn’t?
Do your values align? To have an aligned future it is so important to have values that are similar in nature. If your priorities in life are different, it will be like playing tug o war and that isn’t pretty in a relationship.
What are your physical needs? Sex forms an integral part of a relationship and it needs to be talked about right at the beginning. Whether you have the same physical needs or differing ones it is useful to know and respect each other’s unique desires. Intimacy in a relationship integral in building a connection with your partner.
What are your financial goals? This is more important than most things in a relationship and needs to addressed. How much each of you make, how much will you save, what will your investments be like, who pays for what, will you have a joint account or separate accounts, what about assets — will they be jointly owned? This might seem so unnecessary when you’re so in love in the beginning and it seems obvious that you’ll be sharing expenses. But if down the road in a worst-case scenario, you have to go your separate ways then you’ll be thanking yourself for this hard talk you had right at the beginning.
Do you plan on expanding your family? Do you both want to have kids? If yes, how many? What will be your parenting styles? This is again challenging to talk about when you are starting out in a relationship and you do not want to scare your partner away but at some point, you have to talk about it. You need to know if you both feel the same and what their response means to you.
Finding love is easy. Finding sustained love that stands the test of time is hard. These questions will help you find the answers you have been seeking and clear the cloud of doubt hovering over your head. Here’s hoping that you find your one true love. 💞
