6 Things to Walk Away from in 2022
Another year, another vaccine, yet another variant and we are still here trying to live our lives, still here using our fight, flight and freeze impulses to weave through the challenges that come at us with relentless regularity.
So much is outside of our control that it can frustrate the very best of us and leave us feeling hopeless. But what about the things that are within your control?
If you want to take the proverbial bull by the horns, even if it is to make your peace with it and walk away, ‘YOU DO YOU’.
Here’s a few of things you can and should walk from, in no particular order:
PEOPLE PLEASING
How often do you find yourself saying ‘Yes’ when you really mean ‘No’?
How often do you find yourself clicking on that ‘thumbs up’ ikon on a post, to placate someone else’s feelings?
When will it end?
Most often we do things because of what someone else would think, say or do if we didn’t. What YOU want, evaporates like the early morning dew on a crisp, sunny day. In the long run, it causes dissonance within you as you continue to put your needs behind those of others. There isn’t any magic formula to get out of ‘people pleasing’, except to prioritise what you need or want. Easier said than done? Then ask yourself this question every time you are faced with a situation where you have to do something to please someone else.
‘What would I do if I didn’t care what people thought?’ THEN GO DO IT. For real.
See what it feels like to be unburdened by the expectations of others.
See what it feels like to not mindlessly scroll and like people’s posts without meaning or even wanting to. Be ok with the same thing being done to you. Your life doesn’t swivel around the approval of others.
Say No when you mean no and Yes when you mean yes. It’s liberating.
TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
The best thing I did for my sanity and peace of mind was to walk away from a toxic relationship. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. You have to consider the pros and cons of walking away of course but if the pros far outweigh the cons, then WALK AWAY.
It can be hard and it may make you reconsider your decision several times, as you are left second guessing everything that happens after. It is imperative that you make an informed (not impulsive) decision. This decision has got to be entirely yours — not influenced by anyone other than you. YOU have to bear the consequences and deal with the highs and lows that come off this decision.
Personally, I asked myself these questions when I woke up every morning feeling like as if a truck full of bricks were unapologetically laid on my chest. Maybe they will help you too.
Am I happy in this relationship?
Am I getting as much as I’m giving to my partner (insert friend/relative/ colleague)?
Do I look forward to taking this person into the future with me?
While these questions may not win an award for the greatest compatibility quiz, they will give you some answers if you are faced with uncertainty about your relationship.
They may help you arrive at your decision.
You can decide for yourself how many of your responses need to be negative, for you to walk away or maybe for you to stay, but on your own terms. It’s your life.
NEGATIVE SELF TALK
There are a fewer number of people on this wonderful planet who have consistently positive self-talk going for them. Off the top of my head, I’m thinking maybe Tony Robbins and Gary Vee. I’m sure you’ll think of your own set of people.
But for the rest of us, we can be regularly plagued by negative self-talk . These are thoughts that we create in our own mind, day after day. We have the unique ability to paint the most morbid picture of a future event in our lives, that causes us to marinate in a cocktail of stress hormones that are both harmful in the long run and altogether unnecessary. But here’s a fix that works. Most often we make scary ‘What if’ scenarios in our mind but on our very first ‘What if’, we can promptly teach ourselves to get into the habit of reframing it to end with a positive outcome, instead of a negative one. I know that sounds unrealistic but when you do that, your second thought automatically lines up with the positive ‘What if’ and so on. You may not have control over the first thought that pops up but realigning it, will give you control over your second thought and any thoughts you have after that. Over time this becomes a habit and a new neural pathway gets created, where your brain understands that you can still go through life with all its challenges, but minus the paranoia that was a staple earlier. Try it. Rinse and Repeat.
Over time, it has become easier and easier for me to get into a positive space, replacing any anxiety that lurked around earlier.
For instance, as a professional hypnotist, I have my first group hypnosis session next week with people from all around the world, and of course there are so many possibilities of things going wrong but my only thought is ‘What if this can be really exciting?’ and my mind is throwing up all kinds of ideas and suggestions on how I can make it so. Next week cannot arrive soon enough for me now.
PROCRASTINATION
This is another demon that haunts a lot of us. It’s easier to put off something especially when it involves some level of complexity or takes up time, than to just do it right away. Lists can come and go, but some items will stay on forever like sticky toffee. A great way to overcome procrastination is to start your day with the most complex task. It is always more gratifying to finish off the little tasks for sure but the joy that comes with doing something challenging or time consuming is unparalleled.
When you finish it, give yourself a reward in the form of a big slice of cake, or leisure time or a call to a friend — whatever constitutes a dopamine hit in your corner of the world. You will then look forward to that positive motivation, at the end of your arduous task and it will go quicker than expected. If it’s a highly stressful task, break it into short half hour intervals where you take five-minute breaks to stretch out or walk around, after every 25 minutes of productive work done. This is known as the Pomodoro approach and works really well in helping you accomplish larger, more challenging tasks. In my line of work, it benefits me hugely and I get more done with using this approach.
BEING IMPULSIVE
With the advent of OTT (Over The Top Streaming services), our minds have been programmed to receive as soon as the desire forms itself in the brain. That kind of trait percolates into our being and before long we tend to be impatient and annoyed with the people around us as we expect them to behave in the way we want them to. It’s easier to shoot our mouth off or respond to an email or text when someone is being harsh or impulsive with us. But words…. especially written words are like permanent imprints in the ether that cannot be taken back. It can be brought up and forwarded and published, to cause even further damage. This may make you want to go back in time to have the scenario play out differently. But since the technology to go back in time for a do-over, doesn’t exist, the only thing we can do is handle any future event with a trained calmness, so that the urge to go back in time will no longer be necessary.
When you are accosted by a person who is verbally attacking you and you do not wish to engage, communicate that clearly so that you dissipate the situation, to be brought up later when they have calmed down.
Take at least a day to respond to a harsh email so you have your thoughts sorted and communicate exactly what you would like to without the saggy weight of your emotions bearing down.
Take a moment to breathe, so that your mind moves away from a reactionary phase to a more rational phase and you can better organise your speech into more coherent words.
GUILT
I read this quote recently that may come in handy under this section. ‘Do not judge yourself for things you did when you were in survival mode’. Now, that may mean different things to different people but whether that holds true or not it never helps to carry with you a satchel of guilt for an immeasurable amount of time.
You need to take responsibility for what you did, apologise to the person you may have wronged, forgive yourself, make peace with its repercussions and then MOVE ON. It isn’t as easy as just reading these words nor is it as quick. I get it.
I have been there wearing the dark cloak of guilt — it tarnished my present and threatened to destroy my future. It’s like an ominous shadow that you need to leave in the murky corner of your past failings, as you walk into the light, taking with you the learnings from it, but nothing else. You’ve got to pay tuition for life lessons after all. That way you assure yourself of never doing the same thing again or hurting the same people again, but also freeing yourself to live your best life…the one you were put on this planet to live.
LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH….YOU TOTALLY DESERVE IT !
